Evening Walk

I live in a rural area outside of Hot Springs, on a peninsula in Lake Hamilton, a beautiful Arkansas lake. Every evening, I walk Buddy out to the end of my driveway, pick up the mail from the box, and stroll down the road towards the property at the end of the peninsula. I look through the mail as I walk, check out the birds, any new flowers blooming in the neighboring property, and chat with an occasional neighbor. Buddy runs through the yards and ducks under the fence to some open property facing the lake, where he runs like crazy, checking the trees for squirrels. When we reach the property at the end of the road, I stop while Buddy runs through the gates and looks around to see if their sweet Weimaranar is out in the yard, where he is contained by an electric fence. If he is, there is much sniffing and wagging as they say hello, and then Buddy runs back out to me, we turn, and head for home, The weather has became unbearably hot lately, in the 90s and humid, so these walks occur later and later in the evening.

A family of Mockingbirds has taken up residence in the trees at the end of my driveway, and when Buddy and I pass, they persistently dive bomb him until we get a little ways down the road. They are apparently protecting a nest. They noisily swoop down, taking turns, aiming at the white patch of fur on his butt just under his tail. They come within 4 or 5 inches of poking him, and then they withdraw and swoop away. Buddy is completely nonchalant about these attacks. He either doesn’t notice the birds coming at him, or he chooses to ignore them, and continues to mark his favorite trees and bushes on our route, checking for messages from the other dogs in the neighborhood. I have tried to photograph these hilarious antics, but only have gotten several pictures of Buddy. The birds are too fast for me, or my camera is too slow—it’s an older digital that takes a few seconds to focus before clicking the picture.

How awesome to see how these two species interact, and again, as with the Cardinals, to get to observe the fierce protectiveness these birds demonstrate for their young. After all, if Buddy were a bird dog, a Mockingbird nabbed out of the air would be a merely a small snack before bed. (Fortunately, he is interested only in squirrels and raccoons.) Out of love, we humans risk ourselves for our children and grandchildren with the same recklessness. This too looks a lot like love.

Mark's Sabbatical

Here is Mark, displaying his unbounding energy in Chacala in February. We were there together to find a contractor and begin an addition on my casita. Mark is an ER pediatrician from Denver who has taken a 6 month sabbatical and is traveling in Latin America. He was in my pueblo again for 10 days in June, working with our contractor, who should complete our addition in another few weeks. Then he went to Mexico City and attended a 10-day Vipassana Meditation Retreat, and now is in El Salvador. He is posting a journal at NotesfromLatinAmerica.blogspot.com. I am waiting anxiously for him to write about the meditation retreat, particularly since he had never meditated. Check out his blog


Casa de Ana before addition


Casa de Ana when Mark visited Chacala in June. Three bedrooms and a bathroom open on to the balcony you see.

Brooke at 11 months

Tim, my son in Dallas, reports that Brooke has officially taken her first four steps, with remarkable balance and grace. He also reports that she is getting really good at Sudoku.


Here is Tim and his new family on a recent visit to Grandma's lake. From left, Emily, who is very tight with her new cousins, Carly, Cannon, Tim, Amy with Brooke, and Sydney.

Living in the Soul

The following is part of a message that I gave to my Unitarian Fellowship here in Hot Springs last month. Parts of this talk are taken from various sermons given by my good friend, Ellen Grace O'Brian, at the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment in San Jose, CA.


Good Morning.
Happy First Day of Summer (last week), Celebration of the Summer Solstice....
And Gay Pride Day, which is happening today all over the country.

I want to talk with you today about God—a difficult topic for many of us in this fellowship.  
I was raised with the same God as many of you were.  The God in my life was a loving God who, I was told, loved me, as did his son Jesus.  No hellfire and damnation, or scary nuns, as some of you experienced.  But for all of us, God was a cosmic person, a guy in the sky, who somehow created the earth, created us, and knew everything we did,  When I got a little older, I learned that he somehow impregnated Mary.  Being a literal child, as most are, none of this washed with me, but for many years, I pretended it did.  Ultimately, the only way I knew to deal with this contradiction with reality, as I knew it, was to reject God, although I COULD accept Jesus as a special man with an important message.  Jesus has always been a positive presence in my heart.  As a know-it-all college student studying Old and New Testament in a small Methodist University, I chose to reject religion completely.  An unintended consequence of that course of study.

Sometime in my 40s, I was introduced to “New Thought” and began to become acquainted with other ways of thinking about God and about the universe.  As I psychologist, I studied transpersonal psychology and more importantly, I had a number of what I might call mystical, or spiritual experiences, which began to change my thinking.  I also had the good fortune to come to meet, and study with a number of people who had something,  who knew something, who emanated love and spirit and light so obviously, who were special somehow, Self-realized, God-realized are the only words I can find to describe these people,  I came to learn that they were deeply acquainted with their inner higher self, their divine center, and knew that they were one with all of life. They live in and from the soul.  They emanate a divinity that I can only long for and they all have accomplished significant social change or influence driven by their spirituality.  This is more than charisma.because the people I am thinking of are incorruptible, and we all know of charismatic religious leaders who are ultimately corruptible.

If we grew up as part of an Eastern religious tradition, we would not be having this conversation, nor these troubling doubts about God, nor would be be talking about whether we believe in God or not.  We would not be divided into believers, atheists, agnostics.   Eastern traditions don’t present God as a cosmic being.  God is commonly understood to be both the higher true self. and that connection with the universe, with everything and and everyone around us.  If we grew up in India, we wouldn’t think of ourselves as being separate and alone, but as a drop of water in the ocean of spirit.  This commonly accepted God is prayed to and thought about, addressed as Beloved, Lord, Master, all of which refer to the same presence,in us and around us.   Much of the language circles back to the Christian language of the Bible, but I hear it very differently and wonder if that’s how it was intended in the first place, at least, by Jesus, before the church got hold of him.

When we read the Tao de Ching together, in our Wisdom Seeker's book discussion, we didn’t talk about whether we believed in the Tao or not,  We looked openly to learn from it’s wisdom.  The Tao, or the way, is a way of thinking about life, about spirit, about wisdom and about living from the highest true self, living in the soul.  For me, it’s the same thing as God.  It’s much easier to accept the Tao because it is a new idea, whereas it took me many years, about 10 , to get over the literal Christian God of my upbringing and discover God as that which resides in me, and connects me with spirit, that is, the essence of everything and everyone in the universe.  It is accessible anytime I can stop and pay attention.  And that, of course, is the hard part.  

When we have some experience of God in our lives, as I know you all have had, whether in nature, in relationship or in moments of silence, we are ready to stop looking for god or rejecting God and start living in god.  A shift in our awareness can occur, a sudden recognition of that infinite reality I’m calling God, and a letting go of our sense of separation, which leads to such pain and loneliness.

It is a turning to that which we are—love itself.  And learning to trust life as we live in it.

So the dedicated life, the God-inspired life, is about learning to live in the heart, in unity with life itself.  To work in conscious cooperation with God, our own higher self.  

I think of people I know of, and have met who truly live in the heart, people who inspire me.  I would call them divine, divine beings.  We are all divine beings, but these folks are truly enlightened divine beings. Many are modern day saints.

I think of Mother Teresa, of MLK, of the Dalai Lama, Sai Baba, whom many of my friends visit in India, Yogananda, who brought Kriya Yoga to this country in the 1920s,  I think of Ghandi, of course whose story is a wonderful example of radical transformation from an arrogant young lawyer to a dedicated servant of peace and love.

I think of Coleman Barks, an American Poet who began translating the poems of the mystic Sufi poet Rumi.  His translations have made Rumi the best know poet in the world.  This obscure Sufi mystic of centuries ago Coleman Barks followed his bliss, and this poetry, written by an obscure Sufi mystic 700 years ago took off like wildfire.  The words of Rumi touched a chord in the hearts and minds of people everywhere, bring peace and unity and comfort. 

I personally have had the good fortune to sit with Yogis Hariharinandi, who recently died in Florida, Baba Hari Dass (Mt. Madonna), Gangaji, (a California woman who became a yogi, and who has greatly influenced my thinking.)  I wrote about Gangaji in my book, Travels With Annie.

I think of Ram Dass, who was a Stanford Ph.D. and Harvard professor named Richard Alpert.  He began dropping acid in the 60s with Timothy Leary, ostensibly to explore and understand altered states of consciousness.  They were both tenured, and both fired outright over this use of LSD.  Ram Dass later decided he wanted to have that experience of God, of oneness, without the LSD, and went to India and found his teacher, Maharaji, and began his spiritual journey.  He devoted his life then to serving people and to feeding the hungry, and wrote a book “Be Here Now,” that inspired millions.  I just finished watching “Fierce Grace,” a documentary about Ram Dass.  He suffered a stroke several years ago and now struggles with words from his wheel chair.  “I was stroked,” he says, and sees that event as a divine gift.  The first time I saw Ram Dass in San Jose, I felt like I had been stroked.  I was in a kind of trance throughout his presentation, and was changed in some small way.  Ram Dass later wrote Still Here, a lesson on aging and finding God through disability, which he refers to as Fierce Grace.

During my first bout with cancer in 1997, I had the good fortune to be treated by Yeshi Dhonden, the personal physician to the Dalai Lama, who sat knee to knee with me. looked into my eyes, and spoke, through a translator about every discomfort in my body.  

Aminah Raheem, originator of Process Acupressure, was my mentor, therapist, and healer,  I would leave a session with Aminah with light flowing down through my chakras, so radiant it seemed to lift me from the table and float me to my car where I would have to sit for 20 minutes until the fire settled.  

And most especially, I think of my dear friend, Ellen Grace O’Brian, my spiritual mentor and Minister of CSE in CA, with whom I have experienced many small miracles and states of grace.  These are people who are clearly God realized beings, who live in the soul naturally and comfortably.  I aspire to be like them.

There are two things I have noticed in these transformed lives and which I propose to you today. One is to remain open, To live a God inspired life is to remain open.  To keep letting go of what we know, so that our current understanding may be replaced by a broadening and deepening of our conscious awareness.  So that we can live in that awesome presence of God, our highest self, that cannot be contained by what we think or what we know.

Joseph Campbell said,  “We must be willing to let go of the live that we had so that the one that is waiting for us may be experienced.”

Living in the soul requires us to live in the way of “not knowing,” being awake and aware to what is arising moment to moment.  Beginner’s Mind is the only way we can make room for God, and the graceful way in which our life might be directed.  Have you ever watched how we cant wait to attaching meaning to events, into making up stories about the way things are and then believing them.  

Or judging others as if who they are is some thing that is fixed, rather than the expression of the God within them that is continually in motion. unfolding, What would our community be like if we could open to that in each other? If we could live the meaning of the greeting, Namaste, I acknowledge and honor the divine in you.

We continually insist on directing the play of our lives.
What a challenge it is to allow God , the higher self. to be the director,

The second thing that seems to be necessary to attaining enlightenment.......is SILENCE.  Kriya Yoga, and other traditions say that meditating and silence ore the doorways to God, to Buddha-mind, to the higher true self.  Actually, the only door.

Although, I was already a sometimes meditator, my own journey into silence probably really began in 1995 when I did a Vision Quest in Death Valley.  For 3 days, I walked  and walked and walked, slowly, mindfully, mostly up and down the washes.   You have to stay in the washes so as not to get lost, for if you follow the wash up the mountain, no matter what branches you follow, you will ultimately come down to the place you started, spot your blue tarp flapping in the wind, and know you are home.  This is a metaphor for something important, which I have yet to work out.  The silence day and night was ear-shattering, and my experience alone there in the desert was soul revealing and life changing,  I recommend it. 

The month before my Vision Quest, I was also required to do a Medicine Walk, a one day, fasting dawn-to dusk, silent, solo walk.  I did that one at the sacred Iwo Needle in Hawaii.  I did another on a birthday the following year, when I walked from Big Basin State Park in the Santa Cruz Mountains to the sea, an 11 mile, mostly downhill walk. I thought how great to do one every year on my birthday, but a cancer diagnosis occurred just then, and later, I seem to lack the courage.  But I also recommend that as a way to get reacquainted with silence, and the soul.

I’d like to close with a story about my friend, Ellen.  A few years ago, she was invited to lead a silent pilgrimage into the desert which was to be part of an Association for Global New Thought Conference, representing hundreds of New Thought Communities through out the world.  People were coming together specifically. to consider the work of spiritually inspired social action in the world.  How it is that we “walk our talk” in the world.  How it is that our work of spiritual awakening is  then taken forth into the world. This was to be the pivotal point in the conference.  That moment when people could take the inspiration they had received, and in silence, begin to walk it. 

“For me, Ellen said, the pilgrimage into the desert signified the importance of silence in the spiritual life, spiritual awakening, self realization and its integral role in spiritually motivated social action in the world.” 

“For me," she continued, “ without the consciousness that comes from silence and self realization, one’s social action can be too driven, can be too ego-motivated, or motivated by frustration or anger, and can contribute more to the problem it is trying to solve  But I also see that our silence, our inner work without social action can simply be too narcissistic.  It not only holds back the gifts that the world needs, but holds back the full development of ourselves as human beings because THAT happens when we are walking the walk.”

The best part of this story is that, Ela Ghandi, the granddaughter of Mahatma Ghandi was at the conference and presenting the keynote address.   Ellen, who admits to dreaming great dreams, invited Mrs. G. to join her on the walk. 

“I want to be able to tell you what it was like for me to be able to walk side-by-side with Mrs. Ghandi.” said Ellen.  “I want to be able to put into words what it meant to me to be leading a silent walk with her.   I want to be able to tell you how I got there.  I don't know, I don’t know how I got there, except through the grace of God.
This is the way we are all walking.  This is what we must open to.
When I was walking with her, I could feel my heartbeat as the heartbeat of the world.  I noticed my breath.  I noticed her breath.  I was aware of her strong step and her bold pace.  A woman who has walked in the world.  

"Walking by her side I thought about her grandfather Gandhi walking . I thought about people all over the world walking
Refugees walking, people walking back to their homes in New Orleans. 
People walking across the border to get into the US.

"Gandhi said, "We must BE the change we want to see in the world." 
Significant to me that he didn’t say, although he did so much with his life, we must go do something to bring about change. He did not say that.
We must be that which we hope to see manifest.  We must first be that, access it from within. 
The action we want to do must arise from being.  If it is love we our  hoping to see in the world, then it is up to us, to access that love within us and to walk it into the world
If it is peace. we are praying for, and yearn for. We must find the peace within and walk it into the world.
If it is freedom we are dreaming of, we must find it within.  It is true for anything we want in our lives.
It is true for what we want for our families
It is true for the dreams we have for our community, our world.
We must be willing to give it, be it, walk it, to carry it forth.
  
"We also must let go of self doubt.  We must be willing to show up with the particular inspiration that is given to each of us.   You must be willing to trust that the divine idea that has come to you has come to you to be offered up.  We must be courageous, wild with our lives, to trust the divine without and through us, to truly live in the soul.

"If we can do this, Life opens doors  and we find ourselves walking in a sacred way.
In a vision far greater than we could have imagined.
We can be conscious participants in the awakening of love on the planet.
To live in the soul, we must embrace wholeness, and acknowledge all parts of ourselves, and turn to our highest true self, God within."

I invite you to join me on this walk.  

My old friend Jesus said “You are the light of the world.”

Namaste.

The Cardinals

A family of Cardinals has built a nest and laid three eggs in the fake ficus tree outside my front door. After losing a number of real ficus trees to the heat, and to lack of watering when I am out of town, I finally broke down and bought, with no small amount of embarrassment, a fake ficus. I have really lowered my standards in my old age. Apparently, the birds did not care if the tree was real or fake. It supported a good nest quite nicely.

So as not to disturb the mother and her eggs, I hung a rope across the opening to the deep front entryway. On it I hung a sign, “I am sitting on my eggs in the fake ficus tree by the door. Please do not disturb me. Mother Cardinal.” I asked everyone to go through the garage or around to the screen porch. When Jacob and Emily were here, we put a chair by the tree, so when Mother Cardinal was not on the nest, we could quietly go out the front door, and the short people could climb up on the chair to see the eggs. We could watch her through the leaded glass window across the entryway from the tree, though the image was wavy.

I even had my book club for dinner and discussion a few days later, and nine women respected this miracle in the making and went around to the screen porch on the side of the house.



After the predicted 11 days, I went out to peek at the nest, and there they were—three featherless lumps of life, eyes closed tight over huge bulging eyes, bodies rising and falling with the fragile breath of life. Suddenly Daddy Cardinal was around more and aggressively guarded the birds. I could never catch sight of an actual feeding. When I came to the window or storm door, Mommy would quickly fly away.


The three birds grew quickly, as all young things do, and soon looked more like birds, feathered amply beneath huge gaping mouths.



One morning I awoke quite late, to a terrible racket in the front entry. I opened the door and there were Mommy and

Daddy flapping around “tsking.” A squirrel was on the walk near the tree, apparently upsetting them. I rapped on the door to scare the squirrel away and then noticed that a wren was flying around and trying to get to the nest. Mommy was sort of ineffectually hopping around, but Daddy would swoop at the wren, and finally faced off with him at the nest and chased him away. Then, while I was still watching, I saw a flock of those huge blackbirds approach the entryway. I ran around through the garage, grabbed a broom, and chased them out of the yard. Whew! What a commitment to keep these chicks safe!



Later, when it quieted down and the adults flew off, I went out to peek at the nest. Two of the babies were sitting on the edge of the nest and the third, the runt, was still curled up in the bottom. The largest was a female with 2 dainty feathery things sticking up from the top of her head, with a male sporting a more substantial topknot, huddled next to her. The chick in the nest was female also.

I guessed they were about to fledge. I left the front door open so I could surreptitiously keep track of them when I passed by the storm door from the other side of the room. Later, I heard more squawking and ran to the door. Two chicks were down on the sidewalk, and the parents busily trying to keep track of them. One baby was up on a stone ledge on the side of the house, and the other, down the walkway, was trying in vain to hop up on the ledge on his side. I couldn’t see the third. They eventually, urged on by Mommy and Daddy, rounded the corner of the entryway and took refuge in the azaleas there. I’m sure they were flying by the end of the day. A few days later, I saw one of the chicks in a tree in the front yard.

What a lovely experience. My Dallas grandchildren were here during the egg stage, so all got to witness part of this drama.

I haven’t posted anything here lately, so am getting emails and calls from friends wondering about my health. I do confess to a period of discouragement for the last few months, after discovering that the protocol I was on had stopped working. In early May, I sensed that the areas of tumor in my shoulder and upper chest area were becoming tighter and more restricted, and I suspected tumor growth there. A PET scan revealed that there was some increased tumor activity in that area, although the area in my neck was slightly better. (Andy, my radiologist son, teases that I must have more PET scans than anyone in the world.)

Since last September, I had been going into the hospital for 5 days a month and receiving a 96-hour drip of Taxol, which seemed to work well for those 7 months. I was hoping to achieve a remission so that I could drive to Mexico in the fall and resume my “snowbird” life there, especially appealing now that my casita now boasts three new bedrooms and another bathroom on the second floor.

Now, my plan/fantasy seems in jeopardy and I am back to focusing on each day, and trying to retire from the “plan-making” activity. My oncologist has a slightly different perspective, and is satisfied that I am “stable,” which means that these areas of infiltrated tumor grow and recede, without having become systemic. He methodically puts together a new protocol for me each time the old fails. He is respectful of my quality of life, so I am still hopeful we will work out something for fall.

I had the first session, a few weeks ago, of a drug called Xeloda, which I took by mouth for 10 days. This drug has been found to work synergistically with Taxol, so I went back to my old haunting grounds, outpatient chemotherapy at St. Vincents in Little Rock, and received Taxol infusions on the 1st and 8th days of treatment. Within 10 days after completion of the treatment, however, my white blood count was dreadful, lower that it has been during any of the treatments over the last couple of years. So I am having a nice long break to recover my immune system and my strength, do a bit or travel, and will resume this protocol on July 16, with a lower dose of the drug Xeloda.